same day, more pictures

Left to right: Parker(my boyfriend), me, Abigail and Trianna. We were at the flamingo pool on the third floor on my birthday, having a blast. Parker look like he's eating grapefruit. funny guy.

Kind of blurry, but that's what I like about it. My birthday party at home, I'm looking at something I can't see right now... And yeah, I wear glasses all the time.

Like I said, random things inspire me, and I guess the way the sun's on the water, and the shapes it's making, is kinda cool to me. Damn that palm tree in the background. It disturbs the arch of the water. Uuurrrgh...

6-15-08 Pictures

As a hobby, I like to take pictures of things that inspire me. A lot of people do it for a lot of reason, but mine is just to show you what I like and don't like. And to show you the face that covers all that's inside this evergoing mind. So, here I am.

and I need to go do something, so there will be more pictures to come, I swear it!

3-31-08

7 days until I officially turn 16. Wow. And this isn't the best way to start the new year of growth. Or the new week ahead of me for that matter. Is it healthy at all to be like this? It happens to everyone, but I don't like it.

Memories have been dug up from long ago. And recently. One of the memories scares me, because it brought up a whole nother possibility in my head that makes me get a headache every time I think about it. (but that's in my other blog, mindset.mindset.blogspot.com . I don't even wanna write down those thoughts, because I'm not so sure myself. Just all guesses, for the moment.

But something else. I was talking to a friend today, and sad memories came up. She has a handful of them too, I'm sure. But I got to thinking about the mistakes I had made this year. Realtionship wise, when I hurt the one closest to me. Let's call him Bob, because I don't wanna reveal any real names for the time being.

But yeah, I had been confused at the beginning of the year, after being with Bob for the whole summer. I was a Sophomore now. I had things to do, people to meet, everything just confused me. I don't know how that relates to the reason why I broke up with him. Every time he asks me why, when we look back on that time in our lives, I can't give a good enough answer except this - I was stupid. I didn't know what I was thinking, I thought too much, got too far ahead of myself, and jumped to conclusions. I left him, drove him right into a brick wall, and borke his heart. No. Shattered it.

Well, while we were just friends, (Yeah, he accepted to be my friend, after what I had did. I basically broke up with him for no reason. Why was he still talking to me?!) we talked a lot over the phone. About serious matters. Feelings, thoughts, thinking itself, things like that. I don't remember it all, but that whole time I was severely depressed. He was too. He didn't let on that much his feelings over the whole situation, but I know he was. He called me two or three times when he was crying, and once right after he threw up. He wanted my comfort. The first time I heard him cry, I wanted to cry myself. The unconcievable pain in his voice made me realize that I had done something terribly wrong. I deeply regretted what I had done, the immense mistake I had made, the pure shame and guilt I felt of what I had done was suppressing, suffocating. I wanted him to be happy. I hated it when he hurt.

And I realized that I did love him.

During the whole time we were just friends, which was a couple of long, treacherous months, (the coldest winter I've ever had to endure) I grew sure of who I was. Or at least, I started understanding how I thought. Bob helped a lot on that part. He helped me mature. He's been there when my real parents (long story.) haven't been for a while. When no one else has been there for me, he was. Eventually I told him everything, my feelings about him, for him, my hate for myself, everything.

Now that I look back on my life before I ever met him, I realize I was really naive.

He was still uncomfortable, but he accepted my confessions and told me some of his. He still had feelings for me.

Eventually, after some time, we got back together, around Christmas. We're still together.

But I just hate that I hurt him so badly. He still doesn't trust me all the way. 55%, He told me. I've done somet things to threaten his hold on me, but over all I've been oretty good about it. I never want to hurt him again, and I make mistakes sometimes, but not intentionally. Never. I'm trying to be the best I can be. I want to be perfect, for him.

Sooooo yeah, a lot to think about the day before a big test, huh?

Great.

3-26-08 Wednesday

I am trying my best to post every day, but sometimes I get caught up in my own life. I'm starting to like this blogging thing.

My life is very... boring though. Nothing interesting happens. No bombs have hit, no drugs have been passed around, no major crisis at all. Not that they usually do, but that's the problem. I need something to happen in my life. Something life changing. I'm at the point now where I don't care if it's bad or good.

And as usual, someone just has to cause crying or yelling. Ugh.

Sorry if this complaining is bothering you. Just skip on to the next blog, ignore me, as usual.

I want to be the best person I can be. Yet everday I realize my mistakes, and I do nothing to correct them. I talk, but I'm sitting down. I never walk when I talk. Or... you know what I mean. I have failed too many people in my lifetime to be perfect, but if I try now, I can be someone that everyone admires. Someone perfect. Or... Almost perfect. I smile at the thought.

3-24-08 Monday

Wow. Back to school. That's not very awesome. I stayed up all night last night because I was hyper off an energy drink, so I'm surprised I'm still awake now.

Mom's already starting to pack the downstairs toys we have. I don't liket his. It all seems so sudden. I don't wanna move now. But hey, as usual I'm powerless to do a darn thing, so I might as well suck it up and go, right? So I'll grab a box and start packing my room too, start cleaning up a little.

3-23-08 easter

Yup. Easter. Which means candy. Greeaaatt..... My brothers are hyped up. It's been a wonderful morning so far... *rolls eyes*

But the more important new is we're moving. Yup. We're reanting a house, the land lady hasn't been paying, so in a few months the bank will evict us. So at the start of summer we're moving to another house, still in this city. Mom, dad, and two of my brothers went looking at house right now. I didn't go with them because this is so sudden. Let me get used to the idea before I go seeing what my future will look like.

My boyfriend wants me to move to his side of town, but I know that won't happen. Mom's already got her site set on a neighborhood near this side of the city. So that's just great. But if I knew I could, I'd convince mom to move there too.

Crap. brothers are annoying me to get on. One of them is being the father, as usual. I'm REEEEEEEEAAALLLYYYYYY lookinf foward to moving out of here AS SOON AS POSSIBLE!!!!

3-21-08

Well, before you should know my daily life, you should know about my life in general. What role do I play? I'm a fifteen year old in Las Vegas, living with six crazy people. Four little brothers, two parents. My school is across the city, and I have a boyfriend.

Today is just a regular Saturday. Nothing has happened at all. I've been on the computer since I woke up, which was around ten thirty. Tonight at ten I'm babysitting until after midnight. That should be fun. Seeing that the kids I'm babysitting will be asleep, that will be easy money.

I don't have a camera, so I can't really post anything, but I might save up the money for it. My mom's friend and her daughter came just now, so it's gonna be hectic. Holden, the five year old, likes Robin, the daughter. He thinks she's his girlfriend. How cute, right?

I'm currently listening to the newest album of Nine Inch Nails, GhostsI-IV. It's an instrumental album with 36 tracks. If you don't know who NIN is, or you don't like them, I think you're mentally insane. Listen and see what a new perspective of music is.

Now the kids are screaming. Great. I'll just